One Times...

[Archived from deleted myspace account]

December 28, 2005

One time, when I was 11, I finished reading two Nancy Drew books in one day, and I seriously thought I was the shit. 

One time, in sixth grade I wrote a few really explicit short stories. Lots of sex was going on. They were super corny, and in one of them a boss seduces his secretary over his desk. Very original. I'm not sure what inspired this ridiculousness, but my friends liked to read them. They'd laugh, and then pass it down the row of desks for others to read. These stories were always on high demand, so eventually my teacher caught me. He called my parents, and suggested I get counseling because I was 12 years old and writing stories about people climaxing. I frowned and asked him what climaxing was. I got in a lot of trouble over writing about sex.

One time, when we lived in Arizona, my brothers and sisters and I were driving on the freeway with my dad. The car in front of us threw something out of their window, which caused my dad to swerve the car. He became fucking pissed mad, and followed the car off the freeway. At the first stop light, my dad jumped out of our car (leaving the car door open, so all we heard was his yelling mixed with the constant dinging sound of the door ajar because the engine still on). He ran up to the other car and tried to force the drivers door open, but it was locked. The driver was rolling up his window as fast as he could, so my dad punched it and that was when the guy decided to run the light, to get away from my dad. All of us kids were hella freaked out. 

One time, my high school gym teacher in New York asked me what got me excited. 

One time, when I was 18 I was going to the mall in Oceanside with my brother and my cousin, who was driving. A car pulled out right in front of us, and we banged into the back of their car. When we pulled over, the other car's passenger got out and started yelling at us. He was a huge, huge Samoan man. His elderly mom had been driving, and she obviously didn't know what she was doing. To save face, he was yelling at my cousin, circling around the car and threatening to kill him. My brother was just standing off to the side, not doing anything, which was infuriating me even more than the asshole, so when the huge Samoan told my cousin he was going to fuck him up, I went up to him and yelled "No, I'm gonna fuck YOU UP!" He got in my face and called me a bitch. I wasn't worried because the cops had already been called. But I still laugh as I remember me telling the biggest Samoan I have ever seen that I was going to fuck him up. I was half his size. Hahaha! I'm so dumb... 

One time, I went camping with the Mayor of Santa Cruz and smoked out with him. 

One time, when I was three years old, we lived in Las Vegas near a 7-Eleven. We had a jar of pennies in the living room, and I asked my older sister Sarah how many pennies you needed to buy a piece of gum. She told me five, or something, and so when no one was watching I counted out how many I needed, walked out the door, down the street, turned the corner, crossed the big intersection, and walked into the 7-Eleven. I found the candy aisle, grabbed a piece of gum and took it to the counter to pay for it. I was really proud of myself, until my mom showed up. She threw me in the car, and when we got home she spanked me so hard that the gum I bought flew out of my mouth while I was yelling. It landed on the carpet, and I knew it was no good. That's when I cried. Not from the spanking. No, from the loss of the gum. 

One time, when I was 10 and my brother was 8, we were in a fight outside the apartment we lived in. I punched him in the face and his nose bled all over his shirt. I immediately felt bad and then we both got scared because we knew that when Mom saw the shirt she would know we had been fighting. We knew we would both be in trouble, even though I was obviously the bigger jerk. Whatever our reasoning, Paul said, "don't worry, Mary". He took off his bloody shirt, wiped his face off with it, and threw it in the dumpster. We went inside the house and Mom yelled at Paul to tell her where his shirt was. Paul said he got hot and took it off, and some other kid came by and stole it. She seemed satisfied with this answer, and went back to reading without realizing that her kids were a bunch of fighters and liars. I punched Pauly in the face and he saved my ass! 

One time, in high school, my younger sister Abby and I shared a room. When she was gone, I found every shoe and dirty piece of underwear I could find  and stuffed it under her covers. Then I made her bed and put some extra blankets and stuffed animals on top to hide the bulges. That night when we got ready to for bed, she pulled back the covers and saw the mess under it. She just looked at me with a confused expression. I busted out laughing so hard I fell down crying with laugher, and she just called me retarded. I couldnt stop lauging, I thought what I had done was the funniest thing in the world. I wasn't taking drugs or anything. 

Over 6 years ago, Max and I were totally broke and wouldn't be getting paid until a few days later. Max went to my bookshelf, flipped through a book (Camus' The Stranger, to be exact), and he pulled out two folded $20 dollar bills. We looked at each other and yelled for joy! Then we went out to eat. 

One time, during my senior year of high school, the very gorgeous Quarterback for the football team asked me out. I had a kinda big crush on him for a while so I was really excited, and spent forever trying to look as hot as possible. We saw a movie, and then he took me to his house. His family was out of town. When he tried to have sex with me and I told him I was a virgin and I didn't think it was a good idea, he drove me home and never talked to me again. God Bless America.