Change of mind.

...I need a shift in perspective, but I can't figure it all out while I'm dating. 

I know I shouldn't date. I want to someday, but my partnership taught me that hitching my future on a guy doesn't guarantee a happy ending. A sabbatical from dating is the most sensible choice. It prevents me from getting hooked up on the rebound. When we're vulnerable and sad, we need some rejuvenating downtime, I think. At least, I do. I know it's not that way for everyone. "Different strokes for different folks", right? Some people aren't comfortable laying in bed alone, or comfortable in a room by themselves, or without a hand holding theirs. Some people need to be distracted from the pain of losing someone they loved. 

I want something different for myself. I want to learn to be comfortable in my own skin, even when it's not rubbing up against someone else's. Without the tension and awkwardness of dating, I can take care of myself, relax, and focus on what's really important--my strength of mind and resilience of heart. 

Coming out of such a destructive relationship for the near entirety of my adulthood, I'm going to have to refocus on who I am, become reacquainted with myself (as 45-year old divorcee as that sounds), and begin to feel good about myself again; because next time, once I feel good about myself, even the most horrendous tragedies will not destroy me. 

Singleness is the art of reaching into the deepest part of ourselves and finding the capacity to meet life's challenges with grace. That part is really hard, by the way, especially when you're met with injustice and the shit end of the stick. When your psyche is cracked, when your heart is broken, and when the hopes you've built your dreams upon are lying in shambles--that's when true grit and spirit are born. That's when the fine-tuning and polishing of our character starts. 

Being single is not bad, it's not awful. It does not mean that I'm unloveable, undesirable, or antisocial. People wink at me and check me out, I see it. It does not mean that something is wrong with me. It doesn't mean that I'll end up friendless and abandoned or something equally tragic. Single is, after all, our fundamental condition, no? A healthy adult life begins when we face the reality of our aloneness squarely. 

Rather than find someone to kiss on to make me feel better, I'm going to learn to own my singleness. 

* * *

Love After Love

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving 

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat. 

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life. 

- Derek Walcott