Merton calls it.

The words of Christ are clear: "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." This is not merely a helpful suggestion, or a religious epithet, it is the fundamental law of human existence. 

There is a dark force for destruction within us, which someone has called the "death instinct." [Freud, 1920] It is a terribly powerful thing, this force generated by our own frustrated self-love battling with itself. It is the power of a self-love that has turned into self-hatred and which, in adoring itself, adores the monster by which it is consumed. 

It is therefore of supreme importance that we consent to live not for ourselves but for others. 

It is not enough for love to be shared: it must be shared freely. That is to say it must be give, not merely taken.

given to you?

or you give?

Unselfish love that is poured upon a selfish object does not bring perfect happiness; not because love requires a return or a reward for loving, but because it rests in the happiness of the beloved. 

Hence the paradox that unselfish love cannot rest perfectly except in a love that perfectly reciprocated; because it knows that the only true peace is found in selfless love. Selfless love consents to be loved selflessly for the sake of the beloved. In so doing, it perfects itself.

[hella tight, Merton....]