On The Ropes.

Dear Max,

I can't tell you how many times I have squeezed my eyes shut and wished with all my soul that I could change this mess of brokenness. I committed myself to making our relationship work in a healthy, forward-moving way. It's like that metaphor, I think I tried to close my fist too tight but the water just rushed right out.

I try to give myself hope by making myself believe that our split is for the best. I pray hard at night while I try to slow my mind and fall asleep that none of this will cause either of us long term pain and regret. How could you and I have found ourselves in this situation? My 19 year old self would be so pissed at me. You and I are isolated from each other--geographically and emotionally--when we used to know each other's heart and mind as though were were psychic. I am honest when I say that I never saw this coming. I feared it, I suppose, but I have a lot of crazy fears--nuclear war, Presidential assassinations, sudden traumatic death of friends or family members, monsters. Even when I moved out to this desert, I never thought this could actually happen to us, especially like this. I certainly did not want this to happen.

Wait...how did this happen, again?

Things have changed so much for us, very abruptly. It's not fun. I don't like it. Can I call a time out now? I just want to lie down and call it quits for a second!

I don't know what lays ahead for me, but that's not what's new. I never know what lays ahead for me. Even in our fights, even when I would cry and feel frustrated (as all couples do at times), I don't think I ever seriously questioned our future together. There were times when I questioned our path--should we marry? Should we live a part? Should I move to Arizona? Before, when I used worry about what my future had in store for me, I still knew that you'd be there next to me, encouraging me and loving me, because I was your soul mate, we believed, and you were proud of my career path. I now know that I don't actually know anything. The fear and disappointment of this realization has punched me in the gut and it has laid me out. I've been on the ropes now for a while. But I think, maybe, that the fear of this uncertainty is just beginning to lessen. Maybe... it doesn't matter that the things I have been most certain about were, and are, all smoke screens and magic. They were not Truths. Commitments get broken, feelings can change, and disappointments can scar, even when you try try try to throw yourself into the gears to make it stop. Sometimes you can't always fix something that's broken? But that goes against everything I have previously believed. Fuck!

In so many ways, I really am incredibly fortunate. I am almost 27 years old, but I have never experienced a life-changing death of my close friends or family [just knocked on wood]. I was never close to my grandparents, I still have Mom and Dad (thank God), and all my brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews. But losing you in my life has been absolutely devastating; at times, paralyzing. It hurts to be so disconnected from the person who has been my best friend and partner for the majority of my adult life. It's stupid and crazy to me that I have no idea how closely you are able to relate to any of the feelings I have had throughout this dumb mess. We are both going through this, and yet we are not going through this together.

I'm hopping on one foot.

You're on your own path, you're doing your own thing. You seemed to have bounced right back and have adjusted incredibly well to the one-foot hopping. You're running marathons already! You've always beat the odds and come out on top, which is great. I'm really jealous about that. You have your own, unique perceptions about what ended our relationship, and I've been thinking a lot about what those are. You have your own priorities for what you want in your life, your own solutions to what gives you pain; and I have my own. For the first time, these important feelings are not shared between us. I tried, though, I really and truly did. I tried to swallow the pain of you sleeping with someone you didn't love only a month after we broke up, and I tried to not dwell on the fact our mutual friends encouraged you to do that. Rebounds work for some people. I tried to meet you in the middle, to find common ground with you by opening up dialogue and trying to get back to a place where we both could stand next to each other and move forward, slowly, intentionally, lovingly, maturely, but, most importantly, together. I wanted to do the right thing--to listen to you and respond to your needs and your feelings--but I also wanted to do what I thought would make me happy again, and that was to move in a direction that would take me to a place and time where I could be loved by you again, as your partner, as your best friend, as the girl you think is the smartest and the prettiest. Like before.

But I didn't expect you'd throw me curve balls. You switched things up on me. I call balk! No fair! You told me recently that you were miserable with me. My memories are that you would hug me and tell me that you wanted to make babies with me. You would flood me with kisses, and you always snuggled up to me. Your memories are that I berated you, made you depressed, and antisocial. I feel like some very mean person is playing very mean tricks on me. Suddenly, nothing makes sense. There are no more Truths. Whaaaat? What year is this? Where am I?!

You want to explore your options and surround yourself with people who don't know me, don't care about me, and have never shared that recent part of you. As a single man, you're finding strength and empowerment in your new found freedom. Instead of being interested in a proactive resolution to Us and our partnership, you've changed course and have left me treading water. I try now to be in good head space when I make decisions, I don't want to do any more acting out from my intense hurt. But I see you distracting yourself from the situation (in my unprofessional opinion, but I've read books on these things!) by taking drugs for the first time, drinking regularly and often, and keeping yourself busy with parties, events, and new people. New Max flirts with women, embraces casual sex with the absence of love and commitment, kisses strangers. Lucky strangers. Even though I think it should be a prerequisite for people you kiss on to be able to make a strong argument against grammar prescriptivism and how white racism is a myth, I really do hope, even with my rejected and pained heart, that you find the attention and validation that you seek from others. Absolutely. You deserve to smile and feel good feelings. You deserve to feel lightness.

So, the whole point of this stupid letter that I am writing to myself is that, despite being thrown on my ass and having my entire life defenestrated, I will always care about you and I will remember our life together with a smile on my face. Truly. Always, I will. And when I start to cry and feel like picking up the phone and yelling at you for not being next to me, I'll reread this and calm my stupid self down.

Max, I'll love you forever. Thank you so much for choosing me, and for kissing me that hella cold night on Meder Street 7 years ago this Saturday. Thanks for holding my hand the next day and walking with me in the rain to eat at the Walnut Avenue cafe. Thanks for helping me all those times in the kitchen, chopping all those onions and bulbs of garlic despite the frustration of inadequate knives, for killing the scary bugs, and for giving me the absolute greatest hugs. Thanks for fighting injustice with me, and thanks for making me laugh while we did it! Those were all Truths.

I am going to miss feeling your hand in mine very, very much.

Murry.

Post Script to the Anonymous:

If you know me or don't know me, but you've read this entire thing and now feel uncomfortable, go ahead and kick yourself in the leg for me. Stop being a voyeur, and pay attention to your own journey through the shit life throws at us. Spare me your judgement, and I promise to spare you mine. ...and everyone knows that's an amazing promise from me.